I've Never Had Children and Here's Why

This little chick knew what was up

I don’t think it was ever part of my contract to have babies of my own. From a very young age (I’m talking single digits) I knew I was not put on this earth to bear children. It was not part of my plan.

Since society expects that women bear children, I entertained the idea a time or two—dreamed of nursery themes, names, how I’d look eight months pregnant wearing my Nirvana tee under denim overalls—but my first husband didn’t want to share his seed. Specifically with me. Said he didn’t want to raise our children around my then religious beliefs. “No blood? No holidays? No fun? No thanks.” Looking back this was the best gift he ever gave me.

The next someone wanted me to bear his children in the worst way. Or so it seemed. But I suppose if that’s what he’d really wanted, he wouldn’t have moved 500 miles away after I’d already uprooted my life to be closer to him. But what do I know? Something was off with me, with us, so I never stopped taking the pill. I didn’t feel ready, didn’t think I should attempt pregnancy with both our careers just beginning (why he’d moved) while living in a mold-ridden basement apartment in an expensive and overpopulated city. The thought of having his babies did cross my mind often enough but I’m glad it never came to pass. Word is he’s been sharing his seed just fine without the help of my womb.

I was hit with the baby bug once more and for the last time. I’ll say this: you have to really want children if you’re going to ask him to reverse his vasectomy. He and I talked about it for months. It almost became a deal breaker for me when he chose not to reverse it. Why? Because I wanted the decision to have or not have children be mine. Then I took some time inspecting the wound and realized what I truly wanted. What I wanted was to love his two already-existing children as my own, give them even more love because who doesn’t want more love? Years later, a much-needed hysterectomy was added to his vasectomy, which then equates to the Universe having the last word, and, quite possibly, the last laugh.

The real reason why not having children has been such a perfect fit for me? I hardly know what to do with myself on a good day! To have a child, to mindlessly succumb to societal expectations, without a strong desire and proper resources seems a grave sin…for me. The many traumas I was not properly protected from would most definitely find a kink in my armor and attack my little ones, bestowing the same fate.

Another thought surfaced as I was finalizing this piece:

The four-year-old kid I connected with while writing Train Gone looked at me with those black, saucer eyes and asked, "It's also me, right? It's cuz of me?"

Well, of course, sweetheart! It's most definitely because of you! You needed so much more than you got, and I'm here now. I am the person who is going to make it all okay again. I know what we need now. We need to remember that we dreamt so hard back then, thought anything was possible, and we loved, loved, our head being in the clouds more than anything! We saw what the world offered; we weren't interested then, and I can tell you, baby girl—we aren't interested now. I grew into a woman disillusioned, and I'm trying to fix that for us. In fact, we're trying our damndest to detach from this world so we can be together more. I still have to work, but rest assured, I'm looking for a way out. So, yes. You are the reason, you are the kid in my life. It's you and me until we are no more.