What I Meant to Say

Sometimes writers get stuck in the mire of their own thoughts. Including, and especially, me. Sometimes there are just too many thoughts to capture. Sometimes writing is nothing more than a beautiful mess. This is nothing new for the experienced, or even inexperienced, author. I thought I had a handle on my own writing, had my own system (albeit faulty at times), until I gave in to the practice of writing.

Writing Practice gets to the core of the writer's untamed mind via a series of writing exercises—timed writing (adding time limits are like coal becoming diamonds), writing prompts (I’ve never been a fan but, lo! they work), choosing a topic and just going with it.

You bet your hot buns I was like, “Uh, this seems like more than I want to do. Like, why can’t I just go for the jugular and have the product be an effortless stream of profound thought turned best-selling novel?” Because, Dear Writer, writing practice is all about the messy mind, the naked thoughts that surface come 3 a.m., the dreams you catch that somehow make it into your notebook with unexpected equanimity.

The issue is, even when I attempt to capture the wild beast in my head, I am censored. The critic steps in and says, “You didn’t really mean to say that, did you? Really want someone to see this?” And the acquiescing, shamed child within says, “No, I guess not. Let me rewrite that.” And the writer inside is stifled. Even if no one will see the notebook, even if it’s never published, even if it sits in a safety deposit box for all eternity… The critic wins.

That is, until I came across some writing practices that ripped me wide open and had me bleeding all over my legal pad. I prefer pencil most days (sometimes I chill with pens) and this particular writing session wore my newly-sharpened Blacking Matte (or black graphite) pencil to a nub before I was finished.

I started with one suggestion:

“Take a subject, a situation, a story that is hard for you to talk about, and write about it. Evenly, slowly, in a measured way. Don’t skip over any parts. Stay in there.”~ Natalie Goldberg, Wild Mind

Oh, I stayed there. Stayed until my pencil was gone and I was reduced to tears while pacing my living room—unsure if I wanted to return to the notebook. But something was still amiss. Sure, I’d gotten to the brutality of the subject/situation, but the onion hadn’t been totally peeled open. I was still censoring because I was ashamed by some of the things I’d thought surrounding this topic. Regardless, I kept at it for a few days, and then another suggestion made me go deeper.

“Right in the middle of saying nothing, in the middle of a sentence, put a dash and write, ‘What I really want to say is…’ and go on writing.”~ Natalie Goldberg, Wild Mind

When I did that I was shocked by what came out. I was finally being honest with myself, saying all I wished I’d been able to say with the shame I’m still feeling; the demon was coming out! Jung has been telling me over and over and over to be still with my shadow, to accept it. I often thought I was confronting it, by being willing to confront it, but I wasn’t. I’ve run from it every chance I’ve had. But when I did that last writing exercise? My shadow came out of hiding, waved, and said, “Finally, we meet!” and it’s beautiful.

Perhaps you, too, have some sticky subjects of which you're not comfortable confronting? (My mind is wrought with them, so you're not alone)! Even if you aren't writing as a craft, and you journal—or simply just think aloud—writing prompts can help you get to the heart of a very hard-to-face thing.